460 - Our connection to the Gods

“You need to be done with shame and guilt for the sack, too,” Skorsas said, that night. “We talked you out of killing yourself for it, but you still flog yourself with it all the time, in your words and your thoughts. You have to leave it behind and think ahead only, Jewel of the World, and remember who you really are. Else it will palsy your mind and drive you crazy. You are no longer in the Mezem, where you have to do what tears your heart apart every eight-day.”

But a Goddess commanded me to have myself regularly reminded of my imperfections… Had She actually meant I might fail if I did not forgive myself? If this blackness that lay like stone across my soul never went away, which I couldn’t even begin to imagine it doing?

Remember who you really are... My mother had said that, meaning the one who could save Yeola-e. I had done that.

I will be here day in day out, I told myself, looking across the half-ruined towers and roofs of Arko. I will get used to it. I will watch it being rebuilt. That might cure me, if I could cut the deaths out of my mind.

The Imperator claims the Gods

By Norii Maziel

When Fourth Shefenkas Shaearanoias spoke to Arkans for the first time after the Sack, he mentioned speaking “in the witness of the Gods,” and then closed with the words, “May the Gods bless you all.”

If one didn’t know that the Imperator was a godless barbarian heathen, these would sound like the words of a believer.

I was granted the honour of the first daily half-bead he has allocated for personally answering the questions of writers. I give our conversation more or less verbatim, from my notes.

Before we got to the meat, he asked me who or what I had lost in the Sack, in a way that sounded habitual, as if he asks all Arkans he is meeting for the first time, or for the first time since, this question. I told him. I offered to reiterate my oath to him, to cite his words truly, and he said it was not necessary, as he trusted me.

“How was your first day as Imperator?” I asked him.

“Well... I’ve had to do a lot... first thing was ‘the Lake is rising’ and then it was ‘food is short in the city’ and so on. I did the speech, you saw; I decided to hold off speaking to my army until tomorrow, when I’ll have the strength to go among them. It was very busy.”

“So what are Your feelings about being the Imperator by Conquest? Relief? We know about the guilt and shame, but is there any good?”

After a pause to think, he answered, “Relief that the war is over without further losses, certainly; I never knew I would win any battle until it was done. If you are asking me whether I am proud of having done it... well, I was acting on a mandate of my people. A semanakraseye should take satisfaction in fulfilling such a mandate, but it is improper for him to feel much more emotion than that.”

He is such a young man—he will turn twenty-four on Dimae 3rd—it is hard to believe he is not concealing a bursting pride. But he went on to speak of shame.

“I am ashamed of nothing I did in the war other than two battles, both still in Yeola-e, where I was not at my best as a general. I am not ashamed of being Imperator by conquest, since I was commanded to become so by my people. I am ashamed only of sacking Arko, and I will always carry shame for that.”

“When you were held here against your will, it seemed as though you were at war with the citizens of Arko already... is that war over?”

“Only certain of them. One in particular. Others, I was not. My war with any and all Arkans is over, unless they choose to take it up again with me.”

He made this threat without a glint in his eye or a dark grin or a hardening of his lips or even emphasis, saying it so casually it was almost unthinking. I had not noticed a great difference between him now and when I knew him before, but now, it was stark. The tense, anguished and defiant Ring-fighter has become a war-leader entirely accustomed to and at ease with having a hundred-thousand-strong army at his beck and call.

“In that sense, if some choose to continue said war, they will be fighting it with the Ministry of Internal Serenity then?” I asked. “Because it will be against Arkan law?”

“The Ministry of Internal Serenity or the army I command, depending on what scale they take it up against me, if anyone does. I am hoping rather that Arkans will watch what I do as Imperator for a time, before trying to drive me out, in case they find I am not so bad as they thought.”

Any number of Aitzas of military bent will try. But to succeed, such a man needs some degree of popular support. Shefenkas is trying to cut the feet out from under him that way.

“Are there any generals of Arko whom you suspect may be a threat?” I asked him, on the off-chance.

“If there were, I would not tell you who they are, for many reasons,” he answered. No luck.

“May I ask what happened to the Spark of the Sun’s Ray and the Coronet Regal?”

“They were sent out of the city by the late Imperator shortly before we arrived, with an escort of Mahid, and are now in hiding.”

“When they are caught... what might their eventual fate be?”

“I will concern myself with that at that time. They are children, though, and have done nothing wrong; I won’t forget that.”

In fact, as was not commonly known at the time, Shefenkas and Minis Aan were quite close at least for part of the time the former was in the Mezem. He was something of a father-in-spirit to Kurkas’s eldest son. In that light, this merciful approach is not surprising.

“Imperator, you spoke of the Gods. But years ago, you explained to me the Yeoli notion of ‘All Spirit’. Are you going to impose this on Arko as our new truth?”

“I am going to impose nothing, not my own beliefs or anyone’s. It has always been tradition in Yeola-e that people may conceive, and be with, the Divine as they are inclined, and I hold to that.”

The first person to whom he granted religious freedom, it seems, was himself.

“Imperator... how may I ask this delicately? You spoke of the Gods as if you believed in Them. I understand that it is necessary for You to speak so... but it must... injure Your honest atheist’s heart to do it?”

He stared at me quizzically for a while, clearly repeating my words in his mind, then finally said, “I think you are asking too delicately for me to have entirely understood the question. Try being more blunt.”

“How can you tell an untruth about believing in Gods when you hold the existence of no voices in the sky? Is it to make us Arkans feel safer?”

“No wonder I can’t understand it,” he said, a touch impatiently. “You’re making no sense, Norii. If I held the existence of no voices in the sky, it would be impossible for me to speak truly of believing in the Gods. An untruth would be easy. What exactly is it you want to know?”

I tried it a different way. “You are Our Son of the Sun and must be our connection to the Gods for Arko to feel safe... to feel you are legitimately Imperator.”

“Yes.”

“Yet you are an athye... Who believes in no Gods at all.”

“Ah,” he said, understanding. “Three points. First, it’s a Yeoli word, whose meaning I don’t think you fully understand. It’s not as simple as believing in no Gods, else we would not speak of All-Spirit. Second, if Arko felt safe with Kurkas serving as its connection to the Gods... well, I will just say, Arkans’ faith is admirable, considering. Third point... you assume people’s beliefs cannot change.”

“So you are not like Kurkas… in that you believe in the Ten?”

He gazed at me surprised. “Norii, is that publicly known, that he was an atheist? If not... don’t quote me saying it. If I say it, no one will believe it; they’ll take it only as me damning him.” The peach-chinned sword-buck did not have so much political savvy, either.

Shefenkas said with certainty that Kurkas was an atheist, by the way, because he knew with certainty. The late Imperator told him over one of their dinners, a fact that political expediency required omitting from the original version of Life is Everything.

“No one would have openly said anything, of course,” I told him. “It was speculated upon by people, though, and it was worried about. Your conquest of the Empire is now considered by some to be the Ten’s answer to the former Imperator; do you think that is so?”

“I have no idea. I certainly don’t presume it and never would. How much have you heard this? Is it believed by many?”

“It is something that I have heard whispered in the past few days. I do not know how common a belief it is. Are you hoping this is a common belief?”

He laughed awkwardly, as if caught up short, a surprising mannerism from him. “I... no. It is not for me to hope such a thing.”

Clearly, I realized, I must ask him right out.

“Shefenkas, do you believe in the existence of the Ten Gods of Arko?”

After a pause, he answered, “I find myself shy to speak about it, because... well, I am afraid of Arkans disbelieving it, and thinking I am lying, even if they already think of me as honest—just as you did—so as to claim legitimacy as Imperator. So... perhaps I have seemed evasive. But, yes.”

“How did you change your mind about Their existence?”

“Well... it’s not that I disbelieved in Them in the first place, when I was a Ring-fighter. I don’t disbelieve in the Gods of other people just because I have not been taught that they exist. I just had no reason to pay attention to Them, so I didn’t.

“What changed my mind was…” By his eyes, he was considering whether to tell me something, then deciding in favour. “It was dreams I had, starting the night I set foot across the border into Arko proper, continuing all though the rest of the war. I dreamed... of Them.”

“The Gods?”

“Yes.”

“All of Them?”

“Yes. Some many times... some only once. But all Ten, throughout the time we were marching here.”

“How did you recognize what or who They were, rather than just dismissing them as dreams?”

“For one thing... the dreams were persistent. And... well, the first one I met in a dream was Selinae, and She... She had prehensile hair. She seized me with it... entered me, in every way, with its strands. Then... I was directed, in another dream, to a building in the waking world, a temple. It was in Setzetra. I found a fresco of Her there, and saw that it was the artist’s version of She whom I had seen. After that I began knowing Them by other signs. They always have perfect beauty, and great stature; They also always speak, when They do, with complete confidence, as fearless as you would expect beings free of death to be.”

He thought I doubted him, though I couldn’t see how else he could have become aware of the nature of the Lady of Silver. “I could have read about it in an obscure book,” he said in answer to my saying that. “Or sneaked into the women’s side of a Temple, since that would be no less interesting to me... it’s true, though. The dreams, and what They told me, and what Itasas—that’s my priest, he’s decided to stay on—says.”

I asked what you, my reader, must be baffled by yourself. “Shefenkas... you have a priest? Other than the Fenjitzas? How did that come about?”

“Yes. I wanted to speak with an expert on the Gods of Arko, and in a dream I was told, ‘Seek Itasas.’ There were three priests named Itasas in Teretzena, but the other two would not speak with me. Itasas came with me when we marched, and he is still here.”

“I would like to speak to the man, if I might, later? Itasas something... Aitzas?”

“It is up to him, not me. I will pass on your request.”

“To answer Your question, Shefenkas, I am not a priest or trained in any way so shall keep my doubts to myself, since I know You to be an honest man. How is the Fenjitzas handling the fact that you brought a priest with you rather than have a higher priest, a dekinas, assigned to You by him?”

“I have not told him that. Though I guess he will learn it now. But he has assigned a dekinas to me as well.”

“How often do the Gods speak to You, may I ask that?”

“It’s... hard to say. I don’t remember well when I had the dreams. Many times, the one with Selinae, at least thirty or even forty times. It sometimes seems there weren’t enough nights for the number of dreams I remember, so some nights I must have had more than one. It was often.”

It sounded tiring. I said so.

“No, no, not at all... it was invigorating, inspiring. The dreams were... and I hope Arkans will not misunderstand this, if you even quote me... sometimes very sexual. The Ten... laid claim on me, that way, and others.”

I wanted to ask him to elaborate. Though I do not feel afraid of him, my courage deserted me here. Perhaps his answer could not be printed in the Pages anyway. Perhaps I will find it in me to ask him in the future.

“How is the Fenjitzas accepting You? Is he helping?”

“You will have to ask him what he thinks, if he’ll tell you. Yes, he is helping. He has begun the Temple preparations.”

“The Temple preparations for... the Ascension Ritual?”

I resolved once to let nothing this man did surprise me. I have failed, numerous times.

“Has he informed You of the dangers involved?”

“Yes, and I’ve heard of them from others as well.”

“Shefenkas, how are You going to do this, without the Temple killing You?”

“I will trust in Them. How else can I do it?”

Unlike the eldest son of an Imperator, he has no training from childhood in the motions.

“Decree,” I said, stunned, “of the Ten. It will be in the traditional sixty days? Will your arms be ready?”

“My healer says they will be well-enough healed for exertion by then, if I exercise them from the moment the casts are off, which I will.”

If he was afraid of doing the ritual, he did not show it at all.

I took my leave, astonished, reeling, needing to wrestle with it mentally.

The Ten will decree. His fate, and the fate of Arko if he is slain. But at least our fate is bound to that of one who believes in Them.