493 - More huge than any human mind can grasp

So it went on, and I just wanted to be anywhere else on the Earthsphere. It was hot and stuffy and the tension was awful. I kept feeling the hand of the commander of mercenaries, who was sitting beside me, grip the side of his chair, not knowing his knuckles were pressing into my thigh, hard as little stones. I didn’t want ezethra, I wanted clean pure water. Of course those most afraid of an Imperator are Arkans; the Fenjitzas looked as if he wanted to crawl under the table.

It got turned around somehow; they’d been meaning not to let him out (he can’t even open a door by himself) until they persuaded him not to do the ritual, but now it was him trying to prove to them that he could. I know nothing about Arkan spirituality and their Gods, but I thought he argued convincingly, if you believe that a person can be led by a God through a series of motions. He interspersed it with wondering how long they’d detain him, and not-very-veiled threats. They had him helpless, but it was him who ran out of patience. “We’re going around in circles and getting nowhere,” he said, by that time standing up. “What could I do to convince you all, irreversibly?”

Daina, who was the most skeptical of anything divine there, said, “Probably nothing.”

Chevenga answered without hesitation, “You are thinking of what you think I can do; not what I can do.” How does he have the nerve to say these things? And yet there was sweat on his brow now, too, as I’d never expect to see other than after exertion or in very hot weather.

“Short of doing something right in front of our eyes that proves an Arkan God is visiting you, I can’t imagine what,” Hurai said.

I think he was meaning to be sarcastic, but Chevenga answered, again without an instant of hesitation, “Fair enough. I will do that. Right now.”

Mamin… I have never seen anything like what happened then, so I am not sure how to describe it. He seemed to get taller, and yet his height was not changed. He said something in Arkan—declaimed it, in Arkan—and it was not in his usual tone or diction, almost not his voice, and… well, he always carries himself fairly straight, even with the casts and slings, but while he was declaiming, he stood with the same ultimate pride that you see so often in Arkan statues.

But then he was himself again, looking a touch startled. Someone asked the Fenjitzas for a translation, and he just said that Chevenga had spoken in a God’s cadence, and Chevenga said, in his own voice, that he had no idea what that was. He went back and forth a few times, between himself and this Arkan being, and at one point he was sort of half-and-half… Mamin, I can’t really describe it. But he told them that to prove it he had to go outside the room, and he swore an oath—as himself—that he wouldn’t leave their company or give any order or call any guards. And then we were going.

While he led us he was the Arkan being. You could see it in his head and shoulders, and at one point he said, in his own voice, that he had no idea where he was going, having never been here in his life, while awake. He led us into the inner corridors of the Palace, the slave-corridors, that are like a rabbit warren and are lined with the rough backs of the marble blocks that gleam so beautifully in front.

What he showed us was a door that had been blocked up, hidden behind a tapestry. He had it unblocked, right in front of us, and as they worked he went into that Arkan-accented Enchian again, and described what the room beyond looked like, in great detail and with great precision, while one of the generals took notes.

Mamin… the more blocks they took out, the scarier it got. There was something in that room… I’m not very sensitive to spiritual things, as you know, but I felt this, and it scared me nearly to involuntary urination again. It wasn’t malevolent… it just felt like something… huge beyond bearing, does that make any sense? More huge than any human mind can grasp, and therefore tolerate…? As if something in you might explode—fatally? Everyone else felt it too, some more than others. The Fenjitzas was the most terrified of all, which I don’t understand, when he’s the highest religious official Arko has; shouldn’t he just feel good in the face of this?

The only ones who would go into the room were Chevenga, and the current commander of the darya semanakraseyeni, but he’d only go in with his hand on Chevenga’s shoulder. The rest of us could see in, though. The room was exactly as Chevenga had described, in every detail, though there is only one entrance and it was sealed long before he was born. It was a sacred room of some sort, like a tiny Arkan temple within the Marble Palace.

That was his proof. We went back, and Alchaen gave his assessment, that he did not think Chevenga was doing the ritual to kill himself. Then, Spirit of Life thank and praise him, he got us out of there by saying that his and my services were no longer needed. Outside we hugged for mutual comfort, and then I went back to my room, took calming essence and hid under the covers until I regained equilibrium, of a sort. I didn’t know what the generals decided until I heard that Chevenga was back in his office, which meant they’d let him go.

But that night, of course, I had to do the usual nightly routine.

Before I even touched him, I apologized. “They just said they wanted to speak with you and try to convince you not to do the ritual,” I said. He cut me off. “And didn’t tell you they planned to hold me captive; it’s all right, Kaninjer, I know. I could tell by your face. You needn’t apologize. All I did with them was thank them for being concerned for my life. It cut into my day, but not too much.”

If there ever is a coup attempt against him, Mamin, they’ll have to fit it into his schedule. I can just see Binchera, with his pen behind his ear and the datebook before him, saying, “You are here to cold-cock and bind the semanakraseye-Imperator and seize the levers of power? Fine, but do you have an appointment? No? I’m sorry, but he’s booked solidly for the next two moons—yes, noon meals, dinners, evenings with his exercise, everything. On his behalf, I’m terribly sorry to disappoint you, but I’ll add you to the audience list and let him know.”

After I was done taking his pulses and giving him the medicines—we do this in my room now, so it’s private from his three lovers, and doesn’t disturb them if they are sleeping—he caught my eyes with his. He looked only puzzled, not angry, but I was frozen like a rabbit in the gaze of a snake. “Kanincha,” he said finally. “You’re treating me as if I have changed in your eyes. How have I?”

“I am?” I didn’t think I was… what was I doing wrong? “I don’t mean to. I’m sorry.”

“You’re so deferential!” he said. “You should be pursing your lips at how late I am up, or giving me some order, or crabbing about how much I pay you to take care of me.”

I looked at what was in my emotions, about him. (They are so complicated and so layered now, Mamin.) “Well,” I said, “I think… it’s that I’ve never seen you, or anyone, possessed by a divinity before. It… strikes awe.”

“Awe?” With his lips, he made this long, juicy fart-noise. Warriors—well, you would know this. Their humour is very earthy. I’d never heard him do that before, though, and didn’t think he ever would. I didn’t think I had any innocence left to die, but another bit did.

“That doesn’t change me!” he said. “I’m still the same stupidly-overworking, prisoner-disembowelling, Arko-sacking person you know and love, and sometimes hate.”

I still had a phial in my hand. It almost shot out of my fingers. “Come on, Kan!” he said. “I’m just me, same as I ever was—I always communed with All-Spirit. This is different only in how it looks from outside! Well, shit. If I have to argue with you all night, I guess I have to.” It was already late enough that he wasn’t going to get his seven aer, only six.

“Oh no, you won’t!” I couldn’t help it; I snapped back into habit. “Unless you renege on a bet—”

“Ah yes, I forgot that. Bet-reneging.”

“You’re getting into that bed right now, if I have to get Kallijas and Skorsas to drag you.”

“That’s more like it,” he said smiling, and meekly obeyed.